Pictures Without Words

Unexpected Blessings

In the midst of struggles, I've noticed that God often provides some kind of outlet, some blessing that makes getting by much easier.

For me, I've finally been able to quit my second job.

This job has been a blessing in many ways over the past several months, helping us to completely pay off our consumer debt. But since May, the job has gone steadily downhill. I cut back to one day a week, but even that one day has been so difficult. Miscarrying has provided the "excuse" I needed to leave completely.

So, starting yesterday, I have my Tuesdays free to do what I need/want. Yesterday I did laundry, made bread, and spent hours sorting through the local thrift stores to find a summer wardobe. My husband came home to a happy, relaxed wife and dinner nearly finished.

Days like that reinforce the desire of my heart to keep a home and a family rather than pursue a career. I have one more semester of college to complete before that will be a reality. Shh don't tell... but I've already started the countdown on my wall calendar!

Project Completion

As I've been unwell this weekend, I decided to use my down-time productively. I wanted to complete some of the many projects that have been sitting around my house in various stages of done for months and months.

First, a new video game pillow for my husband. He doesn't play very often, but when he does he sprawls out all over the floor. This used to be a t-shirt of his that I wouldn't let him wear because it was ridiculously large. Now, it's a soft and lumpy pillow, just the way he likes it.

Second, the flannel pjs that were supposed to be a Christmas gift this past year. I had the best intentions of hand-sewing them while we were driving on our honeymoon. The shorts for Shaune were completed except for the waist casing on the trip, but I never had time to return to the project. That, and my hand sewing isn't as secure or reliable as I'd like. So, everything else (my dress, shorts, and finishing his) were finished by machine in only an hour or so this morning. Machine sewing is much faster as well as stronger! (At least, mine. I have great envy of those of you who can hand sew well).

This apron was ALMOST finished several weeks ago, and I've been using it. Today I went back and added the buttons on the top. This apron was originally the ugliest men's shirt I've ever seen. My sister-in-law gave it to us in a bag of clothing her husband had outgrown. Shaune refused to wear it so I repurposed it. The back pleat is in the center front, the buttons are now decoration, the sleeves became the ties (which is why they're a little short). The binding came from my stash -- it was a dress when I was about 12. I still may add a pocket, but I've never actually had an apron with one. I'm not sure what they're for. To make this, I used this article here. I wish I had more information on where the article came from. If you know what year it is from, approx., can you tell me?

Finally, this project is so close to done I'm counting it, although I technically still have a little work left. I plan on finishing it for real this evening. But first, a little background: Two years ago, for my Junior year of college, I lived in the best apartment ever. We were three homey, Christian girls who had a very set routine: every Friday evening when Bec got off work, we'd curl up on the couch with pizzas, homemade cookies, a glass of Arbor Mist, and craft projects. We'd watch TLC's "What Not to Wear," followed by some kind of girly movie (most often, Sense and Sensibility with Emma Thompson). Sometimes our boyfriends (now husbands!) would join us as well. We're still the best of friends and get together as often as we can; but marriage and jobs and living far apart has a tendancy to change things.

This afghan was my craft project during those beloved evenings. It then got shuffled away during moving and marriage, and I pulled it out about a month ago to complete. It is much larger than I thought when I originally laid it out. I love it! I can't wait to give it away as a present to someone!

So, in the midst of sickness and heartache, I got a lot done. It helps me. I've never been one to sit around and wait. Things are returning to "normal" over the next few days. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support -- it means the world to me.

Once again, God has demonstrated that His plans are superior to ours. I'm not sure yet what He has planned for us, but I keep praying it will be made clear soon.

When I returned for the 2nd sonogram yesterday, our angel's heart had already stopped beating. It makes me all the more appreciative that we did have a chance to see it, together, the week before. Little One hadn't grown at all -- in fact, it was a little smaller. Although I'm still waiting for the miscarriage, it is inevitable at this point. Today marks 11 weeks.

I wish I had a Gods-eye view of things, that I could see how everything would turn out in the end. I wish I could change the outcome of life's events. I wish my plans and dreams for life would be the ones to succeed. But, as a mere human, my choice is to stuggle on my own or lean whole-heartedly on His grace and love over the long term.

We're going away for a few days to just be alone together and mourn. I'll be back Monday or Tuesday.

Comment Moderation

Due to some extremely inappropriate comments posted by someone random, I've enabled full comment moderation. Everything's got to be checked first. I appologize for anyone who clicked on one of those links -- they slipped my notice until today.

The miracle of life

I don't think I've ever felt alive until the moment we saw that tiny heartbeat on the sonogram two days ago. Shaune and I just clenched each other's hands and stared -- it's a miracle. Just a little flash on the screen, too small to even be heard yet.

Strangely, even after seeing that (and hanging the picture on the fridge to prove it wasn't just a dream), it still doesn't feel real. I still feel like me, with a cold that's making me really tired and my belly upset. I don't look in the mirror and think "mother" or at my husband and think "father." It's still just us. I assume the reality sets in when you start showing, and the baby starts moving?

Our appointment wasn't 100% happy. There's a major confusion about the dates -- as in, 3 1/2 weeks confusion. It is substantial enough that the doctor ordered a follow-up sonogram next week. I'm sure everything will settle out in time, but if the sonogram dating is correct, we found out about 4 days pregnant with a dollar tree test. Not impossible, but highly, highly unlikely. I've spent a lot of time in prayer since Tuesday and I feel that things will turn out ok in the end, but this is really getting to my nerves. I'd truly appreciate any prayers or good thoughts you'd be willing to send our way.

This is my cheeseburger baby

I've never been a real fan of fast food. It's greasy and nutritionally empty, plus hard on the pocketbook -- I have better things to do with $5.

My baby disagrees. She/he wants nothing more than double cheeseburgers all day every day.

I'm laughing. Of all the strange cravings out there, why this one?! At least the fast food chains are out-of-the-way enough that I don't indulge too often. Except for breakfast this morning.

Pregnancy is a delight. It's good to be home after traveling; I feel so much healthier here.

Traveling

Oh my, what a weekend!

Last summer when my husband and I were wed, his best friend from college traveled up from Tennessee to perform the honor of Best Man. Naturally, when he wed on Saturday, my husband returned the honor. So, Friday morning found us packing up in the car with another of my husband's friends in tow to head the 6 hour journey south to Clarksville.

I made a painful realization about an hour into the drive: car seats are not designed to be comfortable for even my slightly pregnant body. Also, hormones can cause even one who has never, ever been carsick in my life to become nauseaus at the sight of trees rushing by. But I survived, and we made good time and arrived in Clarksville nearly an hour short of what Mapquest estimated. We had a chance to check in and take a nap before we were expected at the rehersal dinner.

Saturday morning I made another painful realization: although so far I've been incredibly careful and have only put on 1-2lbs, every ounce of that seems to be located in my bust. The dress that I had planned to wear for the evening no longer fit. I had to make an emergency trip to the mall to purchase something that did fit correctly. Although my new dress is something I could have easily made myself given the time and was more expensive than I like to pay for things I could make myself, it is a lovely and comfortable find given the short notice. And, I can use it as a pattern to make more to get me through the summer!

The wedding itself was fun. The couple is unique, to say the least, and the wedding reflected their style. They rented a cabin way way out in the woods by the riverside; it was absolutely beautiful. And, although most of us were in modern dress, there was a contingent of pirates present -- including the officiant. My husband and the groom were dressed as South American land-owners, in baggy white clothes and slouchy straw hats. The vows were written by the bride and grood and reflected the pirate idea. They were actually quite beautiful. The officiant introduced them at the end of the wedding as "Mr. and Mrs. Hack -- both Captains and First Mates of their ship of love!" It was down on a little jet of land in the river with the sunset framed behind them.

The party was great. Although they had hired a band, the reception functioned more as an open-mike time and included guest talents such as a Mexican dancer and my husband on banjo (I'm so proud of him, he's gotten so much better in his playing! And he looks so comfortable!)

We made it home, safe, sound, and exhausted. I plan on avoiding travel as much as humanly possible for the rest of this pregnancy because it is so uncomfortable! We pulled in at home at 5, and I took a 3 hour nap. It's now almost 10, and I think I'll still be fine to sleep through the night! Pregnancy is exhausting. But, it's back to work in the morning, so I'll have to fill you in more later!

An Announcement

Dear friends, I have some exciting news to share with you:

My darling husband and I will be welcoming a new member to our family around January 16th, 2010, God willing! Yes! I'm pregnant!

Due to a bad case of self-delusion, we actually didn't find out until I was already 6 weeks along. I'm now nearly 8 and have been blessed beyond reason: morning sickness has barely kicked in so far. I'm more tired than I've been in my entire life and hungry enough for an army, but still feeling quite well overall. We have our first sonogram in a little under 2 weeks.

This is a miracle in so many ways. God is ministering to my heart on multiple levels. Motherhood is the desire of my heart, and this is perfect timing for our family. On a quieter note, for those who've been with me a little longer, my due date is exactly a year from my previous heartbreak. That is part of a quiet assurance I have that everything this time will go smoothly.

I'm thrilled, Shaune's thrilled, our parents are thrilled and shocked at the same time. God provides! ***squeaks of joy***

A sense of what we've lost

Although I haven’t had a chance to go out to New Salem for a few weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s different between the 1830’s and now. Sure, all the modern conveniences have been invented now – central air, refrigeration, the internet. But I know in my heart that that is only the surface. There has been a critical shift in the way people live, and the more I think about it the sadder I become.

This critical shift is in community. People used to not only know their neighbors; they relied on them day-in and day-out. I’ve been reading a book that is an autobiography of a woman who came to the frontier of Illinois with her land-surveying husband right after their wedding. It is called A Woman’s Story of Pioneer Illinois, written by Christiana Holmes Tillson. She encountered a land that was wild and untamed. She discusses a lot about how women supported each other, how they taught each other the things they needed to know. She talked about how she was working in the kitchen until only a few hours before her first child was born, as her husband had invited company over. She was down for a few days, but then went right back to work. The only way this was possible was with the support of her good friend who lived on the next homestead over – and she returned the favor a few years later when her friend delivered.

Reading this book, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own modern American life. Many days go by where I only interact with my husband or the families I work for. I live in a building with seven other families, and I only actually know one of them and can recognize three others by sight, but not name. I’ve talked to some of my friends about this – we’re all part of the Facebook generation – about how we’re closer than we’ve ever been in history, and yet farther away at the same time. Our culture has traded quality friendships for quantity acquaintances.

I don’t have a solution to propose; I think awareness is the only step at this point. All the 12-step programs preach that admitting you have a problem is the first part of healing from it. We, as a culture, have a problem. People are drowning in loneliness in the most connected generation ever to walk this planet. Waking up to this fact is the beginning of the process of correction.