Humbling my Mother's Heart

Job 40 :3 Then Job answered the LORD and said,
4 “Behold, I am insignificant; what can I reply to You?
I lay my hand on my mouth.
5 “Once I have spoken, and I will not answer;
Even twice, and I will add nothing more.”

Today has been extremely humbling in my journey as a mother. For the past several days, Gracie's been cranky as can be. I chalked it up to teething; when the teeth didn't appear, I claimed she was tired, since she's been waking up more at night. Then, God forgive me, I credited it to her having a temper and a spirited personality like both her father and me. It wasn't any of those things.

My poor baby was hungry.

I've been seeing it for a few days and stubbornly refusing the truth. You see, through all my doubts and worries, I've been prideful in my heart about breast feeding. I'd never say it out loud, but I'd think in my heart, "Those women who suppliment gave up too easily." Or, "Formula-feeding moms are selfish, not wanting to give of themselves for their babies." And maybe, for some of them that is true. But not all. And maybe, not even most.

God's been gracious enough to chip away at the beam in my eye. One friend told me this morning of her heartbreak when, for some unknown reason, her milk never came in and they couldn't afford the expensive options offered by the lactation consultants. And then, I spent the morning together at the library with a new friend, watching our sweet daughters roll around on the carpet in the board book area. She's used formula pretty much since her baby was born, because she needed gall bladder surgery. It was possible to nurse, but she'd have to forgo pain medications before, during, and after this excruciatingly painful procedure. After a day of trying to "muscle through it" she realized she'd be a much better mother in less pain.

And now, you can add me. I don't know why, but at 4 1/2 months, my milk is drying up. I don't have an explaination or an excuse. But what I do know is that my darling has been suffering from my stubbornness. I gave her her first bottle at 3pm, after which she truly giggled for the first time in her life. At bedtime she received her 2nd, and went to sleep without a single tear for the first time in weeks. I'm heartbroken and happy at the same time: heartbroken for not being "enough" for her; happy because she's at peace.

I guess I would have had to learn this lesson sooner or later - no mother is "enough" for her children. Only God can provide everything even a very small human heart needs. I've got a constant chatter running through my head: "It isn't too late, you can try harder, pray harder, want it more..." But then, whose power am I leaning on? Who am I trying to trust? No matter what I do, I can't fix this myself. And it is more Godly to submit to him.

I'm still nursing. I'm feeding her bottles afterwards, though, and today at both times she took a full 4oz of formula. I hope to keep nursing for a very long time, at least in a small way, but we'll see what God plans. And while I'm definately praying my supply rebounds, doing some small things to encourage that (bring on the oatmeal!), I'm not going to make Grace sacrifice any longer for my prideful needs. That way, I know she'll be fed, and hopefully, someday, I'll be a better mother for her out of all this.

Hungry Baby

Photobomb! My pretty baby loves eating :)

Silly Gracie, only one spoon fits at a time!

Mmm Peaches!

Love that face. Gracie can't get enough of apples, either. I actually don't know if she's getting anything, but she's enjoying the slobber fest.

Sad baby. Dinner wasn't coming fast enough so she chewed on Daddy's arm instead.

"I can't think of a name awesome enough for this" Banana Cake

Bananas. Cream cheese. Dark chocolate. Peanuts. Oh yes... words can barely describe how awesoem this cake is. Like many concoctions coming out of my kitchen, this one started with something that needed used about to go bad, in this case a whole mess of bananas (like, 8. I sent Shaune grocery shopping the week before). After baking 2 big loaves of banana bread, I still had bananas to use up and wasn't feeling inspired. I flipped open my trusty Better Homes & Gardens cookbook and ran from there.

The cake is a straight BHG recipe, but I "decorated" it myself.

Banana Layer Cake

• 2c All-purpose flour


• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder


• 3/4 tsp baking soda


• 1/2 c shortening


• 1 1/2 c sugar


• 1tsp vanilla


• 2 eggs


• 1c mashed bananas (2-3)


• 1/2 c buttermilk or sour milk (I NEVER have buttermilk... I just sour with some lemon juice)

Stir together dry ingredients. Cream shortening with sugar and vanilla, then add eggs one at a time. Stir together bananas and buttermilk. Alternate adding flour mixture and banana mixture to the shortening mixture beating on low speed after each addition. Pour into 2 prepared 9" cake pans. Bake at 350* for about 30min or until tester comes out clean.

Here's where it turns awesome:

Split one cooled layer (mine had actually been frozen for several days; makes splitting easier). Fill with purchased or prepared cream cheese frosting (I bought it because it was easier). For the top, prepare dark chocolate ganache:

• Heat 1c heavy whipping cream to just boiling. Remove from heat.


• Put 1 1/2 (ish, I never measure) dark chocolate chips or chunks in a heat-safe bowl. I like my pyrex mixing bowls. You can also use bittersweet, but dark is my favorite :)


• Pour cream over chocolate and let set for a while as the chocolate melts.


• Ganache will initially be very running, but it will thicken as it cools. Stir occasionally until thick enough to pour without just soaking the cake. Pour over cake up to the edges, allowing some to artistically drip off the sides (lol, just have fun). Honestly, I should have let my ganache set a little longer but hey! We were hungry

After pourin ganache, sprinkle cake top with lightly salted peanuts. Now, the salted bit it important: it adds the PERFECT contrast to the ridiculous amount of sweet going on in the rest of the cake. You need the salted nuts. Just trust me.

You can let this cool a little longer for the ganache to become more shell like, but who has the patience for that? Just be warned... this is rich. I've never had a banana-ier cake, and I think it's because the shortening is essentially flavorless. Butter would add another flavor layer, and I honestly think I like this plain.

BONUS IDEA: One of my layers broke while I removed it from the pan. I crumbled it the rest of the way, then stirred in my left over icing to make a sticky mess. Scoop it out by tablespoon or so and cover with leftover ganache. Instant simple bonbons! I forgot to roll them in peanuts... guess I'll have to make it again!

Never Boring

Things have been crazy-busy over here. I reach the end of the day and just pass out into bed from sheer exhaustion. And yet, it's been glorious too. God has been so active in our lives lately and I'm in awe of the connections He makes. Like, seriously? I couldn't make this up if I tried:

I am a leader in a large women's Bible study here in town that started for the year on Thursday. Great times, great girls, it was fun. Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. I'm surfing a sewing forum that I tend to lurk on - I think I've posted about 3 times in the past 6 months. Thursday makes post #4 on a conversation about a new line of fabric coming out at Joann's. I was lamenting because ours is in the process of becoming a super center so they aren't getting deliveries until they move. A couple hours later, I get a strange private message: "Do you live in my town, IL?" Hm... I was honestly at a loss because, weird right? I'm very careful on these boards. I don't put up any personal information. My location is set at "Illinois," which is quite a big state (with more than a few Joann's Super Centers). But after talking with my hubby, I decided to pursue the conversation. Turns out this girl is a new mom (her DD is a month younger than Grace) who lives just outside of town and hasn't met any other young moms in the area. She took a chance and messaged me. She wanted to know if I knew of any moms' groups.

Well, yes, I do :) And conveniently, it just got started...

So now I've not only made a new friend, I've met a new sister to study the word with. She'll be joining Bible study this coming Thursday. Our babes are the same age, we had losses at the same time, we both cloth diaper. I'm so excited.

***

So yeah, my life is never boring. Besides strange adventures in internet relationships, my darling is now officially 4 months old! She's rolling both ways, sitting on her own (if I put her there, she can't get there herself yet), and making her way across the floor (but only if no one is watching). She might be a little bit spoiled :)

For those of you who were interested about her weight, she has dropped off her growth curve pretty dramatically. She was at the 97th at 2mo and fell to the 83rd by 4mo. Our doctor isn't too worried but we're watching it. She did suggest we suppliment with either formula or solids, based upon some of the behavior signs I mentioned (Gracie's been quite discontent once we finish nursing, like she's still hungry). Since I have a personal vendetta against formula, solids it is! We started with oatmeal... and I can never make enough. Sweet Babe loves the stuff. It cracks me up to watch her eat. I know some people will disagree, but it's working well for us. And she's back to only waking up once at night, instead of every hour or two! It's a huge blessing.

More coming soon. Thanks friends for sticking around, even though I've been so sporadic in my posting!

What are we coming to?

10 years ago we united over tragedy. I was only a freshman in high school on 9/11, but I remember how connected everyone was that day. We stared at the television screens in every classroom -- most teachers gave up trying to teach. The screens were on in the cafeteria too. We cared desperately about what was going on in NYC and Washington and Pennsylvania. I remember the last time I saw the senior from my French class, who found out (during class) that her fiance was killed (she dropped out of school immediately after). I remember calling my mom at lunchtime (on my cell phone! I'd just gotten it for the start of school) to find out where my dad and uncle were, both travelling for business on the east coast.
Today, we're divided over idiocy... From Yahoo News, the brilliance that is America:

Even though we live in a supersized world, bigger is not always better. One
devoted White Castle customer is suing the restaurant chain because he can't fit
into the restaurant's booths. Martin Kessman, who weighs 290 pounds, complained
to management for more than two years after repeatedly knocking his knee into
the tables' metal supports. After the 64-year-old New York stockbroker sent a
series of letters of complaint to the chain, he received what he called
condescending responses. White Castle sent him free hamburger coupons and
promised that it would expand its booth sizes. But the booths were never changed
and Kessman is now taking his case to federal court. He is suing for bigger
chairs and unspecified damages because he says the eatery is violating the
Americans with Disabilities Act. (He compares himself to pregnant women and the
handicapped.) The lawsuit, however, has not put an end to Kessman's love of mini
burgers. Now, instead of going to White Castle himself, he sends his wife. (source
here)

I'm flabergasted. Seriously? I'm disgusted. Don't our federal courts have better things to do with their time? And our money?
I could go on a serious rant, but I think I'll restrain myself. But I do have a question to ask: I hear all the time, pray for America. I hear it on the radio, at church, in various groups I'm a part of. But what are we praying for? Is this... this mess... worth saving? <>

My Wiggle Worm

So I think I mentioned a few times while I was preggo that Gracie's a wiggler. She's feisty, and since birth has only gotten more so. She's rolling over now (but only in her sleep... I got a weird child) and trying DESPERATELY to crawl. In fact, she makes progress when I have her on a blanket over the hard wood floor. Did I mention she's not yet 4 months old? Frightening.
All this wiggling is having an effect, though. It's probably a "first time mom," don't-know-the-ropes yet, access too much information induced panic, but I worry all the same. We have a scale at play group and my sweet babe hasn't gained any weight in August. At all. Granted, she nearly doubled her birth weight in her first three months (7lb9oz up to 14lb14oz), but 4 weeks without a gain at her age is a long time. And she's started making a "Hey, is that all there is?" face after nursing. Sigh. I called her pediatrician and they said to track her weight every week and bring the record in to our 4mo apointment on the 12th. That it's "probably no big deal," but alas... I'm a mom. I worry. After all we went through to get nursing under way, having to suppliment would be a major stab in the heart.
Anyone else's babe hit a plateau and just not gain for a while?

An Organized Life

My life is chaos. At least my baby's cute.

But no, really. Organization. I'm not, but I really want to be. And now that a little person is desperately trying to get from one side of the rug to the other (praise the LORD she can't quite yet...), I really need to figure this "keeping house" thing out, because honestly I don't have a clue.

My family's style of keeping house was, "What, someone's coming over? Grab the boxes!" at which point we'd begin a frenzy of throwing things away and shoving whatever was left into boxes which were then stacked in the garage to be dealt with "later" (Yeah, still waiting on "later" to come). We'd frequently still be scrambling when the doorbell rang. I knew I didn't want this to continue in my house but it's incredibly hard to learn how to stay neat when you're not sure where to start. My dear hubby has put up with a mess for long enough but now, with Grace DESPERATELY trying to be on the move, I've run out of time for excuses.

Oh no! Company's coming!

At my moms' bible study this summer, a couple girls were raving about The Fly Lady's system of keeping house. It's like a fad. Who doesn't want to be left out of a fad?! LOL. Her big concept is baby steps and starting with your sink, then building from there. My kitchen's been clean for about 2 weeks, and I've made my bed every day this week! That may seem silly to some, but it's a MAJOR accomplishment in this household. And, since about 6 other girls at church are trying to impliment some or all of the ideas from her website, I've got people (people who can stop in and see my house...) I can think out loud with.

My studying isn't quite as interesting as hers...

It seems to be working. My mother-in-law called me last week to see if she could come visit... she was a mile away and on her way anyway. I was able to look around, heave a sigh, and put away the one plate still on the counter. No shame in that! I was ready when she got here (3 minutes later). No boxes involved!

I won't bore you about learning how to clean; this is mostly a "where've you been?" post, plus an excuse to show off cute pictures of Gracie. My house is still messy, but I'm finally at long last moving in the right direction. I'll leave you with one last thought borrowed from The Fly Lady. It's brilliant, and so very motivating to me:

"Housework done incorrectly still blesses your family."

That's right. My mom's cool. And in her free time, she knits me dresses.

Practically Free Diapering

Have you ever realized at midnight that you forgot to run to the store to buy diapers, or if you cloth diaper, that you forgot to run a load and put your child to bed in the last clean diaper? Or you went out to run errands and miscalculated how many diapers you would need for the day? It's happened. What do you do? Letting Babe sit in yuck is, well, yucky; she can't really go without (ew); buying a package is inconvenient at best, unaffordable at worst... so what do you do?

I actually haven't been in this situation, but a board I'm on is doing a cloth diaper challenge this week specifically for those times when you've got nothing else on hand: The No-Sew T-Shirt Diaper!

That link will take you to a tutorial that shows you how to fold a regular T-shirt into a great cloth diaper. It really does work great -- I've done it a couple times just to see how it worked. I've got a bag of old Ts in my car and another in the basement as part of our emergency kits -- you never know when you'll need them. And if money is an object, but you still need to diaper your little one, you can hit the $5 bag day at your local thrift store and have all the diapers you could need!

Did I mention you can make your child's bum say whatever you want? Oh yes, Gracie loves Jesus... her diaper told me so ;-)

Creation. Literally.

A few weeks ago, Shaune, Gracie, and I were travelling away from home over the weekend. As is our custom, we visited a local congregation for worship. This is a congregation we’ve had the pleasure of visiting several times over the years. Although it isn’t a church where we would consider attending full time (if we were local), it has always been pleasant and never theologically questionable.

Until this trip.

I’ve hesitated to write this post, as I don’t want to come across to harshly. We truly love many of the people in the congregation. I do believe the pastor means well, but the particular teaching we heard raised so many red-flags... so many I’ve also heard from other sources, that I feel the need to address it.

The sermon was on taking the Bible literally. The pastor’s claim was that overall, no, we should not – the Bible is a collection of stories and teachings, many of which were for a particular season in history. He specifically pointed to the creation story in Genesis 1. He began his teaching with this (my paraphrase, as I was too in shock to write it precisely): “Now, many of us have issues with certain aspects of the Bible. Look at creation – most of us accept that the Bible can’t be literal here. Scientists have proven evolution.”

Wow. Really?

I’m not a scientist. I don’t read science journals. (However, this used to be an issue of doubt for my husband, so he has spent many hours researching both sides of the evolution-vs-creation debate. I’ve asked him to write a little post summarizing some of his findings – look for that next week ) What I do read, however, is the Bible. And what I’ve discovered is that when the Bible describes creation, it means it literally.

Creation is the starting point of the whole story. Without it, nothing else makes sense. Follow me along this train of thought:
• Without creation, humans evolved from monkeys
• If we evolved from monkeys, there is no Eden, nor is there an Adam or Eve… just a more “human” monkey somewhere along the way
• With no Eden, Adam, or Eve, there is no original perfection, no one to be tempted, no command to be obeyed or disobeyed, and therefore no original sin
• With no original sin, there is no need for a savior
• And if there’s no need for a savior, it’s an easy jump to Christ being nothing more than a good man and a moral teacher
Without Creation, there can be no purpose to the Cross. Are you with me?

Clearly the Gospel writers believed in salvation. They also believe in the original sin of Adam and Christ’s redemptive death. Here’s a sampling:
• “Sovereign Lord, you made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them…” (Acts 4:24)
• “For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay.” (Romans 8:20-21)
• “For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.” (1 Corinthians 15:21-22)
• “Now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.” (Ephesians 2:12)
• The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1:29)

I believe in a literal, final-form creation as prescribed in the Bible. Was it 6 24-hour days? I’m not sure, I wasn’t there (lol), but I do know that when God created, He created species as they are today. Humans were humans from the beginning. Fish were fish, cats were cats. (Variation has clearly occurred over the years, but that’s a different topic for a different day.) I also believe that if you don’t accept the reality of creation, you will forever struggle with the rest of Christianity. We need saved because we aren't what we were created to be. This is a line in the sand… literally.

Mama Gets Busy

Gracie learned to nap (sort of)! And started going to bed like a sweet baby, at 7pm! Everyone knows what that means... time to sew! And knit! And cook! It's fabulous. The best part is she's happier overall too because she's well rested.

That's my good girl :) Never too early to love books.

So I've been enjoying getting back to a little me-time, which allows me to be creative. I've missed making things. The first thing I made for Gracie was this sweet denim jumper, made from scraps of my absolute favorite skirt. I very loosely based it off a dress we got as a gift, but it's mostly pattern-less. I hate onesies on their own and pants look silly over cloth diapers, so we got a lot of wear out of this... in the 3 weeks it fit. My chunker is already in 9 MONTH CLOTHING! She's 14.5 lb or more by now... at 11 weeks.

Speaking of cloth diapering, the most annoying thing in our first couple weeks was that we only had disposable wipes. I'm not even going to tell you how many went through the wash, and how much of a pain it is to pull disintegrated wipe bits out of velcro. But I don't have to worry about that anymore! Voila, 2-sided flannel wipes. One side has polka dots... the other says "I love Mommy" and "I love Daddy." A much needed reminder when she's screaming through a diaper change! I made 30 for less than $5 AND got to learn my new-to-me serger. Good times.

Number 3 has to be my favorite project so far. I adore this little dress! I made it out of scraps, too, from my second favorite skirt. I wrote about it 2 years ago. Yes... Gracie and I totally matched the first time she wore this to church. I wish I'd gotten a picture, except maybe not: my skirt has been well worn over 2 years, while the scraps were stored and are still bright and crisp. Oh well. I LOVE this pattern (Simplicity 4243), but next time I have to make the neck bigger. Remember that 14.5lb baby? Yeah... she's already outgrown this one, too.

Maybe one of these days she'll slow down enough to wear a special dress more than once! In the meantime, I have a good friend due in about 3 weeks, so all these tinies are taking a vacation to the other side of town. Then back to me, for next time! It's so good to be back to "normal."